Editors’ Note: To begin with, we apologize to anyone reading the title and smacking their lips in the expectation of a post along the lines of ‘Letters to Penthouse’. We here at CKT feel obliged to proffer our readers with some innovative, out of the box, wacko articles. We propose to make that happen by our very own extreme and imaginative minds. So unlike all the posts you’ve read so far, the ones filed under Corporate Fantasy are supposed to be fictional (yes, indeed!). We wish you a pleasant read.

Date: Feb 2, 2039 AD

Place: Tasmanian Recording Studios, Hobart

Name of Band: Kink Boyd

Band Members: Daniel Vettori aged 60 & Ricky Ponting aged 65

Name of Single: Sigh, Dopes! (Commemorating the 30 year anniversary of Brad Haddin’s ingenious ploy to dismiss New Zealand batsman Broom)

<Track begins with a the sound of a bell reverberating across the walls of the studio >

<Dan starts off, in his deep booming voice>

Beyond the horizon was a pitch that was laid when we were young

In a world of fags, bets and debacles

Our bats flayed constantly, but without boundary

The ringing of the Law Revision bell had begun

Along the wrong road and on down the toss-way

Do they still cheat there by the cut

There was a dogged stand that wallowed in our sooty steps

Leaving before I took their dreams away

Leaving the myriad small creatures crying to tie us to the ground

To a strife consumed by blows and decay

<Now Ricky takes over>

The draws were cleaner

The fights were tighter

The haste was neater

The nights of blunder

With pants all hounded

The darn fist blowing

The laughter slowing

The endless shiver

Forever and ever

<Long and melancholic guitar solo lasting 5:43. As the solo ends, the sound of bells fades away>

<Vettori makes a break for the exit, and runs towards Ponting’s giant two-wheeler. The song ends with Ponting yelling.>

Hey! My Harley! Hello! That’s my Harley! Damn!

CKT exclusive: Album cover of Sigh, Dopes!

The recent attacks on women in a Mangalore pub inflicted by the Ram Sena, the self-proclaimed moral police, whose aim is to beat the devil out of any woman who so much as clips her toe-nail to reveal skin, has sparked off a violent rush of blood from feminists and humanitarians alike. Rumours have it that a clique of strong-willed, cold blooded Andhra women have taken to the sickles forming what has been dubbed unofficially as Sita Sena (SS). CKT reporter Manas Kulmaddy (who incidentally has convalesced rather speedily from a bruised back after an untoward incident at a Cricket Australia press conference) managed to travel to Mangalore on his 180-cc Bajaj Pulsar sporting an OC set of coolers.     

Using his omniscient list of connections (corporate and otherwise), Manas managed to gain entry into the SS Headquarters, headed by a heavily built Manjusha Thillumullu* who agreed to provide CKT with fresh unadulterated information. The following is a transcript of the conversation that took place:

MK: This is not a first for India, female activist groups. What are your goals? Where do you think you stand? Do you think you can take on the men? 

MT: Going forward, everytime a woman is beaten up, the perpetrators will be hunted and will be castrated right before my eyes. Does that answer all your questions?

MK (gulps and recoils) : Yes, ma’m. But how do you think you are going to rally an army of such Extremist women?

MT (wearing an evil smile): Jayalalitha and Sasikala were my second standard classmates in Shri Ramanayakulu Reddy Memorial school in Renigunta… 

MK (staggers): I get your point. Your association with sickles has sent signals that you might be inclined towards the Left. What’s your take?

MT: No, that is not right.

MK: (fires a quick wink at the camera) That’s what I said. 

MT: (stops short of breathing fire) NO, We are NOT Communists!

MK: So, this organisation, Sita Sena is it?

MT: Whoever started the rumour is a foolish bugger! Ram and Sita got along! They were a lawfully and love-fully wedded husband-wife couple! Does it seem like we would want to end up with any of these miscreants?!

MK: Erm, so what do we call you? The Shoorpanakha Sena?

What happened in the next instant caused a near-rehash of the Shoorpanakha incident of Ramayana fame. But we are happy to assure our readers that MK escaped with a minor scratch on his Left ear. 

Staying with attacks by miscreants bent on wrecking havoc on civilian life, a few activists of the Maharashtra Navanirman Sangh (MNS) allegedly stormed into a software company in Mumbai and pelted all PCs with stones. It appears that Raj Thackeray has walked one step further on the road to imbecility by threatening all software engineers in Maharashtra to give up coding in C++ and Java and switch to Marathi, which he believes is NP complete seeing as anyone and everyone can learn it in finite time. A spokesperson for the MNS argued that Marathi is in fact object oriented since it exhibited both State and Behaviour. “We have so many well Behaved Marathis. Look at our own Tendulya. None better than him. And there is a reason why our State is called Maharashtra!”

While CKT can’t argue with that kind of logic, we strictly hold our opinions against coding in Marathi. Manas himself is an SCJP**, while his fellow reporter believes C# is a better language than it is a chord. God bless the programmers.

 

Footnote:

* – Name changed to protect not the interviewee’s identity, but MK’s life and sanity.

** – Sun Certified Java Programmer, for the ignorant.

Disclaimer:

The writers of this blog have immense respect for women. No remark here is meant to belittle, beleaguer or besmirch them. Anything said here is to be taken in the lighter vein, and the authors will not stand any atrocities that might spark off.

BJP Supremo L.K.Advani drove the country into utter chaos today when he called for a nationwide agitation against the German band “Rammstein”. In a statement to CKT, he said “The band has hurt the sentiments of the Hindus. They have stained our lord’s name and they’ll have to pay for this”. These allegations stirred up the customary rally which was pathetically off-colour as there were not many effigies of the band members there to be burnt. “Burnout issues” commented a frustrated party worker. 

German media reacted strongly to the allegations and the headlines read “Advani spells Disaster” and “Du Hast Advani”.

“Guess it’s the effect of the STUPEFY spell cast on the politicians” chuckled a student from Lady Shri Ram College, New Delhi who we presume is still suffering from Harry Potter withdrawal symptoms.  ”L.Advanism or Vandalism?!”  she adds, showcasing her ability to come up with anagrams that make political sense.

Advertising agencies were overjoyed by the turn of events though. An agency representative told CKT , “We can now use images of Dale Steyn, Ein-stein, Franken-stein and the likes and do detergent ads with the tagline : We even take the stain off the celebrities.” prompting the physicist’s kin to  mutter “Ein?!” in disgust. 

The government has responded strongly to this incident and has signed a MoU with Vivekananda English Training Academy (VETA) to train the politicians. A government spokesman said “We are expecting them to do what they do best. Keep the audience SPELLbound”. In a specially made video to quell the sparked Indo-German tensions, V.Rajagopalan (Chairman VETA) said “Now that this agreement has been struck, it’s time to set the agreement of the verb with the subject right”, as the video zoomed into his fingers twiddling with the inch-long chalk piece.

Order was restored in the north, but people down south known for “Being Judicially Paranoid” are investigating a possible link between the German Band and Sri Krishna Sweets, a popular sweet shop chain down south. Sources claim the opening credits of the song Du Hast which goes “Oh my sweet lord, its Rammstein” has sparked this speculation. We in CKT feel that these strings of events just like the SKS Mysurpa will linger for some time.

South African coach Mickey Arthur was overjoyed despite his side’s loss to Australia in the third test at Sydney. “Of couse, we lost the battle, but we won the war!” an emphatic Arthur told CKT, while shelving his copy of Rajaji’s Mahabharatam. The mindgames with his Australian counterpart Tim Nielsen had begun even before the series kicked off, with Nielsen laying down his Shakuni-like plans for each South African player. Arthur had laughed it all away, and in the end backed his optimism. “They played an aging Hayden in their side who was really our ally. Look what happened to Bheeshma when he fought for the Kauravas”, he said sagely, demonstrating his wisdom in Indian mythology.

Hayden was, however, unavailable for comment. While the Australian media interpreted his absence as an emulation of his Queensland teammate Andrew Symonds’s fishing trip, Hayden’s manager denied it. “No, Matthew Hayden has not been out catching salmons!”, he thundered exasperatedly in a press conference. When Manas Kulmaddy, an over-enthusiastic CKT reporter tried to point out that Hayden had been out caught fishing outside the off-stump many times over, a couple of hefty bodyguards ushered the puny reporter out of the hall before pounding him with the long handle. “I bet my 80 GB i-Pod and my 180 cc Bajaj Pulsar that those bleddy bodyguards were Hayden and Symonds themselves!” cried a battered Manas, who reiterated his stance that Hayden had indeed made off on a fishing trip. But his story proved to be a red-herring.

Meanwhile media across the globe lauded one of the greatest upstagings in the history of test cricket with punny headlines like “Oz Kay-Oed in the Boxing Day test”, “Graeme pounds Australia in his Smithy” and the like. The Aussie downfall and the South African resurgence were very well received even in the sleepy villages of Tamil Nadu, though K.Periyaswami, the editor of The Aminjikkarai Bugle chose to criticise Ntini for exposing the bruised Smith to face Mitchell Johnson during the last crucial minutes in the final Sydney test. “What to do, ” he said admonishing Ntini’s tomfoolery. “Makkayya Ntini! I don’t know what else to say!”

However, farmers in the TN village of Gummidipoondi have reason to believe that South Africa’s series victory was a foregone conclusion. In a shocking revelation to CKT, Muniamma, Principal Attendant of the Bovine Business Corporation (BBC) at Gummidipoondi said “We sold 50 litres of Meenatchi paal (milk) to them before they left for Australia. We all know how it helped Gaptain Vijaykanth beat Serena Williams and tackle the Pakistani terrorists.“

 

Whether or not Muniamma’s statement is true depends on the outcome of the ODI series, which is scheduled to begin in a few days.

 

 

Ram Gopal Varma is at it again. Rumours are on that after the failed partnership with Vilas Rao Deshmukh, he is now joining hands with a person renowned for breaking partnerships, Venkatapathy Raju, for the remake of Satyam Shivam Sundaram. Sources have confirmed that Zeenat Aman will reprise the female lead in this version too. Corporate Kathrikka Times (henceforth abbreviated to CKT) caught up with old Zeenat who, last year, had vehemently stood by her decision to bare all during her campaign for a politician facing criminal charges. ”If it is done in a good taste, why not?” she declared. “Anything Zeenat does in good taste would be spicy and would add to the flavour. He he.”, agrees A.C Muthu, ex-Head Chef of Le Royal Meridien, before ducking to dodge an accurately aimed rolling-pin flung by his wife.

The original movie was based on hiding distorted figures and RGV claims this one too would revolve around disfiguration issues. About the choice of Raju in the lead role, he commented “There are lots of twists and turns in the track and we unanimously decided that there is no one better than Raju to exploit the conditions to the maximum”.

The cast is bound to include sacked employees from PWC to give it the realistic touch. CKT caught up with one of them. “During the times of financial distress, it is essential to improve our competencies to match our profiles of a CA (Character Artists)” he commented and before we could ask, he added “Playing GTA 4 is easier than working for one of the Big 4 (being Ernst and Young, KPMG, PWC and Deloitte). The cheat goes unnoticed” 

South based production house “Kalanidhi Maran Pictures” is said to be producing this venture. CKT has inside information that the production house has faced a road block in their other big budget project “Robot”. Reports are that title creds read “1 sack Arisimavu” instead of “Isaac Asimov”.  ”We screwed up literally. To compensate, we are now financing a movie that highlights “FIGURative Screw up”, revealed Kalanidhi Maran, who looked jubilant after completing a White Revolution Campaign ad with Moo Karunanidhi. 

Film critics believe the film might not feature in the top 50 anytime soon, but a speculated tie up with Linkin Park and Timbaland (L&T) might help it stay in the race.